Red Red Wine

I’ve received messages from readers asking about certain dating stories I began writing when we started the blog. I wasn’t sure people wanted to hear about dating and relationship stories from the past but I was pleasantly surprised some people actually do! I mean, who doesn’t like to hear about other people’s nightmare dates and relationships? I most certainly do!

Here we go … the continuation of my oh so excellent previous dating adventures. (Since I have zippo current dating adventures to speak of.) I know. I feel sorry for me too. ha!

Wayne (read previous tales here) and (here) had broke up with me. (This was break up #1 out of a total of 3 break ups during a 6 year span)  I know what you’re thinking. You didn’t learn your lesson after the first break up? Nope. Apparently not. Trust me, I’m a Virgo analyzer and I analyze the shit out of things. I’ve come to numerous conclusions on that one, but I’ll spare you that list for now.

We had only been dating 3 months, it wasn’t even near that serious stage yet. I hadn’t even decided if I was completely attracted to him in all of the ways I felt I should be. I was the one who was constantly wishy washy about being with him in the first place. Did I really like him? Did I not? Was he worthy of eventually receiving my heart? Would I be able to fall in love with him? Would he fit nicely into my family life?  Could I tolerate some of his most annoying habits (and there were many)… long term?  On and on. All very valid questions that I had been asking myself. I had finally decided to take it slow, date him exclusively and see where things lead. I was banking on my heart and head being in unison for a change at some point.  A girl has to listen to her instincts. Mine said don’t stress, take it easy.  If he is my ‘Mr. Right’ the universe will make it happen. What will be will be.

Well he broke up with me. That’s what will be. After 3 months. Just like that. Forever over.

(Or so I thought.)

Have you noticed that it is completely human nature to want what you now can’t have regardless of the fact that you weren’t even sure you really wanted it to begin with? You follow?  Messed up psychology for sure.

Now why do we do that to ourselves? I mean, what is up with that?  As expected in this situation I start beating myself up over it. Am I not good enough? Maybe if I would’ve, could’ve, the whys! Ironically my brain starts playing tricks on me and now I can only think of the good traits about him. Of course these few ‘good traits’ are blowing up bigger and better in my mind then they were in reality!  So frickin predictable. I suddenly can’t remember any of his numerous annoying traits that drove me completely nuts just days ago. Now I’m questioning, were they really all that bad, really?  He wasn’t that annoying, was he? Of course they were that bad! You weren’t even really into him!

You see what’s happening here don’t cha? It is the classic case of ‘He Doesn’t Want Me So It Makes Me Feel Bad About Myself And Makes Me Think I Want Him Even More But I Really Don’t.’  That my friends is termed Brain Trick-ology.  It’s all very scientific you know. The rejection adrenaline clouds your mind making you to believe you want things that you don’t really want because now you know you can’t have them.  I made it up, but I think I’m onto something here. I may have to put a patent on that. I’m pretty sure Dr. Phil would agree.

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He broke up with me on a Saturday night via text. Nice. (I pretty much ended up doing the same thing to him years later. Boom.)

Could there be a worse night of the week to get dumped? I’m not sure. It was his poker night with the boys. I remember he did end up calling me shortly afterwards and we spoke briefly. I mean there’s not much I have to say at that point, at least not out loud directly to him. I mustered every ounce of willpower to keep my mouth shut choosing instead to play the whole I really don’t give a shit anyways attitude. This girl’s got her pride after all. Best advice ever: never ask for explanations as to why they’re breaking up with you even though that’s exactly the first thing you want to know! Don’t do it. It’s never going to be something you’re going to want to actually hear. Think about it, he doesn’t want to have you in his life anymore. Period. He may sugar coat it but bottom line is pretty clear don’t ya think? Don’t put yourself through that whole scene, which will lead to you trying to convince him of your greatest qualities he’ll now be missing when you don’t need to be doing that EVER. Walk away with your head held high. Go on. Walk away.

In my mind, of course I had a million damn questions/opinions all jumbled up whirling around like…  You mean to tell me, right here, right now that you’re actually breaking it off with ME? ME? Really? Well that’s funny. Really fucking funny. Are you effing kidding me? Okay whatever! Pfft! You were lucky to have dated someone like me. For reals! Yeah, that’s what everyone said. Puh-lease! Breaking up with me! And one last thing…I’d like to just say how ironic this is because I was thinkin’ of ending it with YOU, sooooo… there’s that. That’s right girl, ain’t that the truth.  You tell him Laura! Uh huh I sure did! Of course this was all done in my own mind and thank god for that. 

Wayne’s reason for dumping me… that time? His ex girlfriend wanted one more chance. I didn’t know her, I knew of her. He dated her on and off for a couple of years before he met me. When we met, they were on one of their ‘off’ times. Of course he said it was over between them for good. That there was no going back. Hell would freeze over before that would ever happen again. Yadda yadda yadda. Well, I hate to say it Wayne but you’re a big fat liar… and guess what? Hell didn’t freeze over. Being the dumper is so much easier then being the dumpee. Lesson learnt here people…if he’s/she’s not doing it for you, break it off first. It’s just so much easier this way. 

So then it was back to square one, aka online dating. Swell.

I had previously been chatting with one particular guy (Shawn) before I had met Wayne. And low and behold his profile was still on the site 3 months later. When I made my profile visible again, ironically I received a message from him almost immediately. Wowzers! That was hella quick. “Hey, you’re back! Where ya been?” he asks.  ‘Oh, heyyy…  to you too!’ I decide I’m going to play this one cool. Cautious.

After being in a long term marriage this whole dating thing is turning out to be way more challenging than I had ever anticipated. But my heart continues to do these little pitter patters as I’m chatting with him via internet. I did really like him when we chatted a few months ago but we had never managed to meet up in person for one reason or another. Shawn was handsome, tall, strong, confident but not arrogant and he just had that something about him that I really liked. It didn’t hurt that from the first time we met he would look at me with such admiration.  He made me feel like I was the most special, beautiful woman in the world. Okay, maybe not world, let’s not exaggerate.

But I knew he was into me and he made it known he liked me ’aaalott’ (as said by Jim Carrey in Dumb & Dumber – I quote lines from the movie often.. I can’t stop myself.)

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Shawn would say silly stuff to me like he couldn’t believe he was with someone like me, someone so beautiful, you know, kinda blowin up my ego. Which, may I remind you was not such a bad thing considering my ego had been pretty badly bruised not that long ago by what’s his name, Wayne, whatever. Usually if a guy is too overly into me, verging on the creepy side, it makes me totally uncomfortable. Plus it makes me think he’s a playa. But with Shawn, I was totally into his constant compliments. I was obviously very much still in my ‘needy’ state then.

Our first date he took me downtown to a very popular club to see one of his all time favourite jazz and blues bands play. Shawn being a concert/entertainment promoter meant he had tickets and VIP to most events downtown Vancouver. This worked out great since one of my most favourite things to do is go and watch live bands. I love all types of music and so did he so we had that in common. We would have so much fun on our dates. Let me just say, I was not one bit disappointed when I walked up to him our first night meeting. Can you say giddy? Like stupid girl giddy. There was instant amazing chemistry and attraction between us. I kept it under wraps. I maintained my composure. I was learning the ropes on how this game is played. Was slowly getting the hang of this dating thing. Well, at least that’s what I thought back then.

Will we ever truly grasp how online dating, and dating in general works? How could we? It’s always different depending on so many variables. At the very least I’ve figured out if we follow certain guidelines we might have a fighting chance. Hence why I bought the book, my dating bible, ‘Why Men Love Bitches.’  Trust me, I needed all of the advice and guidance I could gather at this point. It’s a cruel, cruel dating world out there now.

Shawn was the perfect gentleman and he was ever so charming on our first date and for most of our dates during the few months that we dated.

It eventually became evident that we were dealing with a couple specific issues. It seemed I didn’t know how to be in a normal dating relationship. I would jump right in, too fast, too much, too soon!  Ultimately scaring the shit out of the guy. In hindsight I see the errors of my ways all too clearly. Back then I hadn’t been anything else but married since 20 and had bypassed dating all together. I didn’t have a clue. However, looking back at this particular dating experience, I think it may have also included a matter of wrong timing, right person. I don’t know.

The other issue I had was the fact that he never asked me about my kids. I mean ever. He said in time he would meet them. I understood that, and I didn’t want him to meet them until it was worth him meeting them. If there was going to be a future between us then we’d do introductions. My point was that he never MENTIONED them. It was like they didn’t exist, and for me that really wasn’t going to work. Not in the least. My kids have always been my world and for him not to show an inkling of interest to at least ask about them was outrageous to me.  I get that we were newly dating but after awhile when he would make references to ‘our’ future, I don’t know, is it just me that thinks it’s strange to talk about ‘our’ future but never mention my kids?  Communication between us began to feel strained and we found ourselves arguing often. One Wednesday he asked me to go to Mexico with him on the Friday. He got annoyed when I told him I’d love to but I couldn’t possibly leave on holiday with 2 days notice!  I have little things, what are they called again? Oh yea, responsibilities, kids, dog…job. He did things like that constantly then got upset and said I was being a big downer when I couldn’t oblige his requests.

Regardless of the fact that we really liked each other and had so much fun when we did go out on dates, those damn pesky kids of mine kept causing all of these problems for him. And to his disappointment the more he thought they  might possibly cease to be real if he simply never mentioned a word about them wasn’t working. There I’d go chatting about those special little people in my life constantly, again and again. He seemed to keep forgetting that I come as a package deal. Take it or leave it. He went from being crazy about me to becoming more and more frustrated and distant with me.  

I remember towards the end of our relationship we were downtown Vancouver at a Buckcherry show (a great rock band from LA).

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We had one of those nonsense type spats earlier in the evening, not sure about what, doesn’t matter, but our attitudes from fore mentioned spat seemed to carry on through the evening. We didn’t talk to each other during the whole show.  Ahhh, yes, the memories. Good times. When we got to the show and ordering our first drink at the bar, he made some weird rude comments when I ordered a glass of red wine. He flat out told me right there in front of the bartender and a lot of other people that I shouldn’t can’t drink wine. ‘Wine’s not a bar drink.’ he says to me. ‘It’s not an appropriate drink in this atmosphere.’ he continued. ‘It’s not right, choose something else. What about vodka? Or rum and coke?’ He says to me like he’s letting me in on some great bar etiquette tips that I was not aware of. I was standing there with my mouth wide open, in shock at the words coming out of his mouth!  I thought at first he was kidding around, but no, he was as serious as can be. Okay. let me get this straight,  I’m supposed to order a ‘bar drink‘ … to appease his version of acceptable bar drink etiquette?  Excuse me? I honestly don’t give a shit what your opinion is of what I should or shouldn’t drink, in a bar or anywhere. I’m pretty sure Mr. Handsome Bartender Guy was on my side too cause I caught his eye roll whilst Shawn was in the middle of teaching me his lesson on ‘Bar Beverages Etiquette’. That and he flashed me the biggest smile and a quick wink when Shawn wasn’t looking. That happened. Just sayin. 

So Mr Handsome Bartender Guy… lets just go ahead and make that a deluxe glass of red please. Thank you very much!

Preferably just like the one Courtney Cox frequently uses in her show Cougar Town. I love that show and her character. We’d so be best friends I know it!

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Not that I have to defend any drink choices I make EVER but let me just insert here that I feel I must defend the good graces of the beautiful beverage that is red wine. WHICH, my dear friends can indeed be enjoyed anytime, anywhere and in so many atmospheres. Don’t let a man try to dictate what you should or shouldn’t drink. Ain’t no woman got time for that kinda man in her life! 

 There are numerous reasons why red wine is an excellent drink choice… let us examine them further shall we?

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Red wine is proven to keep your memory sharp
… ‘I definitely need that! I need to be sharp!’

 
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 It lowers the risk of heart disease… ‘I want to have a healthy heart!’
 
 
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You can’t argue with Betty White! She’s living proof red wine extends your life! People who drink red wine have 34% lower mortality rate than those of beer and spirits … ‘I want to live long time like Betty too!’
 
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 Red wine helps keep your gums stay healthy! OMG my teeth are so important. I want to keep my teeth!’
 
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It makes you happy when your sad.
Definitely nothing wrong with being happy! I like being happy!’
 
I mean there are just so many Red Wine benefits right?
That’s it! – I will further look into all of the excellent benefits of drinking red wine and I shall dedicate a whole post to that! Won’t that be fun? You guys can pitch in! It’ll be like our own little wine party.
 
At some point during the show I realized that Shawn was no longer beside me. He had wandered off, disappeared somewhere in the club. Just as well. If you can’t say anything nice to me, start an argument with me about my drink choice of all things, then not apologize for your rude behavior… Then I have nothing to say to you!  He was acting like a bratty kid who likes to have his say and his way all of the damn time. Yeah, that ain’t gonna work for me.  So I ended up making friends with the ladies that were next to me. All was good.  Every so often Shawn would make his way through the crowded dance floor, find me, take my empty drink glass and hand me a new filled one. Guess what the drink was? Red wine. Ha! That’s right! We wouldn’t say a word during our exchange. Weird much? I’d say so!
At the end of the show he found me and drove me home.  Afterwards we actually ended up laughing hysterically at how insane we behaved toward each other that night.

He ended up dedicating the Buckcherry song ‘Crazy Bi*ch’ to me that night.   Awww. Isn’t that so sweet?  Whatever Shawn, whatever. 

In the meantime, Ray remember him, the younger hot guy? (read more here) and (here) would text me every now and then to get together. Shawn was being increasingly discouraged with the fact I have a life with real life kids and I couldn’t be as spontaneous as he wanted.  Plus we weren’t exclusive, so I would accept Ray’s invitations to go out to a show or dinners once in awhile.

Ironically during this time Wayne (yes he’s the one that had just recently broke up with me to go back to his ex girlfriend, yeah him.)  It didn’t take him long to contact me when he heard I was dating. Funny how that works hey?  (read about him here) and (here)  He continued to be just a text message away. Always sending me random messages.  Confused yet? Me too.

A great dating rule I was slowly learning back then and continue to recommend today… keep your options open ladies. Don’t become exclusive with the first guy until you feel it’s right. You call the shots, not him. It’s your life after all, and we deserve the best. 

Eventually it became blatantly obvious to me that this thing with Shawn was not going to end up being like one of those fairytale love stories I had hoped. I always hope they end up like those fairytales. It’s just my thing.

He basically told me he needed someone to be able to go on a vacation with at a moments notice.  He needed someone spontaneous. Basically someone with no kids would be ideal. He actually said he wanted someone exactly like me but without all of the baggage I have! Selfish much? Let me just say, I can’t stand when people refer to other peoples children as ‘baggage’!  

It just didn’t make sense how he could feel the way he did about me yet not be interested in the biggest part of me… my kids! In my shocked and confused state in the end I naively tried to persuade him that night on the phone that it would all work out in time with my kids and him meeting. Where is this girl’s dignity? Believe me now when I say, that sort of conversation ain’t never going to happen again with me. 

You know what they say? When one door closes, another opens.  It’ll be awesome when one of them doors finally opens to finding my Mr Right!  

Until then, love, live, learn everyday to your bestest ability. Life isn’t a dress rehearsal after all.

PS. Please, please, please share some of your dating stories! Good or bad we’d love to hear them!

Laura xo

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