Love Is Just A Fantasy

I haven’t written anything about dating lately have I? Well, there’s a very good reason for that. I haven’t been on any dates to talk about. Seriously.
If you’ve been reading our blog then you know the whole back story of my life. Kinda. In a nut shell, I’m a single, divorced, 40 something, career woman now back in the dating scene. Real horror story. 

Dating isn’t the easiest thing is it? I mean, it’s all about putting yourself out there. Getting out and involved in things. I just seem to never be in the right place or at the right time. Nor do I have the energy, to tell you the truth. It takes soooo much energy to date. Honestly.

Natasha and I love music and go to as many live shows as possible. A couple of years ago we bought tickets to see a local up and coming Vancouver Indie band (very popular in Canada) that we both love. After the show I ended up liking them on Facebook. At some point later in time I had a friend request sent to me by a couple of the said band members. One of them was particularly interesting to me. You know, in that talented artistic, musician kind of way. (Hmm-hmmm.)

Then through out the next couple of years I’d get invites to various music events via Facebook from said cute band guy-let’s call him, K.

Granted these invitations were sent out mass.  Not just to me. To everyone. Whatever.
So everyone on K’s friends list got an invite. But you know how in your mind you kinda blow it up just ever so slightly and over time you’ve adjusted facts and altered your sensibility to suit your own l’il dreamland.

Then the shit you’ve made up almost seems real. In your own little brain.

I would tell Natasha that I got invited to yet another show from K. She would laugh and say, “Mom… everyone on his friends list gets the invite. Not just you!” She’s a real drag like that.

Anyways, this went on. I would get an invite, get all giddy and be like, “Natasha we should actually go to one of his shows downtown sometime for real.” Then we would laugh about it, talk about how crazy that would be. We’d discuss in great detail how we’d go to the show, he would already be playing on stage, he would notice me walking in, our eyes would lock, he smiles at me with a sweet wink…

Then I snap back to reality.

Nat and I laugh and laugh about it. We funny like that.

It became a thing between Natasha and I. We eventually started to refer to K as ‘my boyfriend’. I’d be like, ‘Oh, my boyfriend wants me to come to his show this Saturday.’

Honest to God, if someone were to ever listen to us talking they would think we actually knew K personally and that him and I were an item. We joke, but no one else would know that! So we would continue to play this fun little game each and every single time I would get another invite. Over and over. That shit just never gets old with us.

So last summer Natasha and I had an Event downtown Vancouver for our blog. Earlier that same day I had coincidentally received another show invite from K, my boyfriend, who was playing a show that night downtown. I don’t know if it was something in the air that night that made me suddenly bold, but whatever it was, as we were leaving the Blogging Event I said to Natasha, ‘Tonight’s the night. We still have time to make it to K’s show! And we’re going right now.

She initially thought I was joking until I had her looking up the venue’s address on map quest. We were giggling like 2 school girls. “Are we really going to do this?” Ohhh, yeah we are.

It’s a venue we have never even heard of before. Ever. So we make our way over. It’s already dark, but not too late. Natasha reads all of the deets on her cell about the club and bands performing tonight. The information says that tonight is a very special ‘Galaxy Night’.

Galaxy music?  We’re 2 huge music lovers but we don’t have a clue what Galaxy music is. What we do know is that K and his musician buddy he’s playing with tonight are amazing artists and I’m still game to go. Bring on the Galaxy!

We’re totally psyching ourselves up for this. Each taking turns giving the other incredible words of encouragement as to all of the fabulous reasons why this is going to be amazing. This must be a sign that we’re downtown for an event and the exact same day he sends an invite to a show. Like what are the chances? It’s completely meant to happen tonight. Right? I mean, it’s blatantly obvious. The stars must be aligned with the universe for this to happen. I’m sure of it. You only live once, so we gotta live it up, take risks… yadda yadda. All of those motivational Deepak Chopra books are coming in especially handy tonight. Really mustering up the courage to be super spontaneous. I prefer to plan to be spontaneous if you know what I mean.

Natasha and I drive up and down the now very dark, light-less street searching for the venue. The GPS is saying it is right here. We pull up to the curb and strain to see any numbers on doors and anything remotely resembling a club/venue. Natasha is back searching online on her cell for more info about this club. It says the Club has a specific symbol on the door, that’s how you’ll know it’s the right door to enter. What the…? 

We found the door with the symbol on it. It definitely doesn’t look like a club is behind that door. I put the car in park and we sit there in silence scoping out the area like 2 undercover detectives on a case. Carefully examining who’s coming in or out. Not alot of people around. A couple cars pull up in front and looks like some musicians hopping out of the car. They enter the symbolled door. Natasha and I look at each other. It’s like a secret club. Underground. We’re intrigued.

A few more people arrive and enter the door. We finally decided we came this far, K is going to be playing, there’s no turning back now, what’s the point if we don’t follow through. You always gotta follow through right? We’re no quitters.

Lets. Do. This.

We get out of the car and head for the door. This whole area is a little un-nerving and mysterious. But now we’re too far gone and curiosity has got the best of us at this point. And of course the main motivation pushing us forward is to finally see K play again. That and the probability that he’ll recognize me from the show 2 years ago (fat chance) and we’ll live happily ever after. Obvs.

I open the door and immediately there is a long narrow flight of stairs going up. We can hear people talking. Natasha and I are looking at each other as we proceed to climb the stairway up. We reach the top and it looks like someone’s apartment that has been semi transformed into a mini band rehearsal space with couches and some chairs spread around. There’s a girl waiting there. She gives us half a smile and tells us the ‘club’ fee is by donation which she says is typically $10.

She points us in the direction of where the entertainment area seems to be set up. We quickly choose a couple chairs in the middle of the room amongst a few cozy over sized couches along the sides of the room and a small apartment style bar in the left corner. It’s definitely not like any club I’ve ever seen, but I’m always up for living on the edge. That’s how I roll. (In my mind).
I tell myself that it’s gonna be awesome to see K perform again. We’re completely stoked.

There is literally a hand full of people in the room and it seems all eyes are on us. We get the feeling we were slightly out of place with this crowd. We started to think there was a high chance we’ve crashed someone’s private apartment party but they decided to let us stay and hang out cuz they felt bad for us. Not sure.

Granted our attire choices didn’t exactly blend well into the apparent hipster vibe. We did dress up really quite pretty… remember, for the Blogging Event we had attended earlier. Not quite what we would’ve chosen if we had planned in advance.

Looks something like this… Natasha had her beautiful, typically long flowing hair back in a tight-ish bun/braid (think school teacher vibe) and was sporting a pretty, light & bright elegant purple sweater with sparkles all over it no less. And of course to go right along with that I went all out and chose an awesome retro Le Chateau deep purple blazer (with an added sheen) anndddd shoulder pads. Yes. They’re making a comeback. Trust me. I read it in a magazine. So… yeah, definitely not club attire. We’re out of place.

We didn’t get a drink and no one offered. We didn’t move. We sat almost frozen, like the movie, and waited for K to perform. And we waited, and waited and waited some more. Finally it’s way past 11pm and a guy finally speaks into the mic and introduces a band. But it’s not K’s band.

What. The. Hell.

The opening band before K’s performance finally start playing their instruments. I’m relieved, at least to begin with. Let’s get this show on the road already. It’s difficult to describe to you with any amount of real accuracy the kind of music this assemble of musicians were attempting to play. There was lots of instruments playing at different times, in no particular rhythm or melody.

There was the drummer who basically was using any type of prop he could get his hands on whilst attempting to play the drums with the prop. He rubbed a chain like thingy across the tops of the drums over and over and played a violin rod up and down the side of the drum symbols producing the most incredibly awful sound possible. It was cray. Nothing was played in sync or together to form any acceptable sound. None of it made any sense in the slightest. It just kept going on and on and on. Like it was never going to end. We were confused.

This is what they meant by ‘Galaxy Music’.  Ahhhh… Note to self…
No More Gallaxy Music! Ever. Please Make It Stop! 

The entire friggin time Natasha was struggling to refrain from bursting out loud in laughter as the whole thing struck her something real funny. 

Me on the other hand found myself extremely bored and becoming increasingly agitated. I needed it to end already. Natasha and I are huge music lovers but I was silently losing my damn mind.

They were playing like forever.  I was continually checking my cell for the time, yawning uncontrollably, squirming in my seat trying to stay awake, realizing it was now 1AM! Wtf?! I was so flippin’ tired and getting to the point where I felt I just couldn’t take it one more minute. I had to work at 8 in the morning and the reality of what the hell am I actually doing here was kicking into high gear!

Finally that music stops. It seems its much too late, my nerves are already shot. I’m annoyed. I’m tired. I’m uncomfortable. I’m dreaming of getting home to bed to try and get what’s left of a good night sleep before work.

What seems like forever went by then K and his band start to play. He’s brilliant and amazing just how I remembered… however after only a couple of songs I was totally spent. I needed sleep and like now. But this party didn’t look like it would be ending anytime soon.

Natasha and I decided we had to quietly figure out a plan for our quick getaway. It was going to be tricky, there is no possible way to escape this club un-noticed. Obviously no matter how we do it, K and everyone else for that matter will see us leaving-mid set. Rude much?!

We basically listened to one more song and agreed to make a run fast walk for it immediately afterwards. I counted to 3 and we got our asses up and out the door. 

We could feel all eyes on us whilst walking out. Like how totally rude did we look leaving? I would’ve been staring too! People muttering under their breath as we’re walking by… ‘The nerve leaving when they were just getting started. Can you believe that?’

If K only knew how many times we’ve mentioned his damn name since seeing his band perform a couple of years ago. Or how many times we joked about his Facebook invites to his gigs. That the only reason we were even at this ‘underground’ club in the first place was to see him play. Instead he now thinks we disliked their music and walked out. We sat numb in our seats for hours watching this Galaxy music. Then we get up and leave when the musicians we really had interest in watching finally start playing.

The story of my life. Always at the wrong place or at the wrong time. Sometimes both. Make myself look very uncool and completely uninterested. Totally opposite of my intention.

If K ever reads this (highly F-ing unlikely), Sorry for walking out in the beginning of your show. I’m an idiot. You’re really talented.

So the other day I came out to the kitchen where Nat was and said to her, ‘Hey, just got a Facebook invite from K to his gig next Saturday. We should totally go. I think he definitely still loves me!’

You guys have any crazy crush/dating stories you want to share? Please please share them with us! Everyone has a story and we’d so love to hear them!

Til next time Lovelies,
Laura xo

Love At A Pub

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Let’s go back in time. Not necessarily a better time, just another time of days gone by in my dating journey. Let’s talk about ‘Wayne’. Not his real name. Obviously.

Wayne, Wayne, Wayne. Sigh. Where shall I begin? At the beginning? Yes. Alrighty then. Let’s do that shall we?

I’ve made mention of him on a previous post which you can see here. He was the first guy I actually had a relationship with after my marriage. I had plenty of meet and greets and dates with other men before him. But Wayne was the first guy that I ended up being in an exclusive long term relationship with. Not just once but twice. Yes, two different times during 6 years. First time we dated for a couple of years (on and off-should’ve been off) and the second time for a year. Apparently I never learnt any lessons the first time. Our relationship the first time around consisted of excessive partying, too much alcohol (way too often) and the eventual admittance of cocaine use on his part. No, I’m not perfect either. Looking back I was just a tad bit, shall we say, desperate?  Let’s not forget needy and clingy. Sounds like a perfect match doesn’t it? A real dream team.

I was out with my only single girlfriend at the time. She took me to a pub she had previously been to and she thought I’d like it and feel comfortable there. I did really enjoy it. We had been out numerous times before and I immediately noticed a problem. We found it rather tricky finding an establishment for our age group. At that time we were both in our late 30’s. I might as well of been in my late 90’s because that’s how old I felt. Completely out of place being single after spending 20 years being part of a duo.  I was so inexperienced, so green. I’m sure it was mostly in my head but it didn’t help matters when some places had patrons that were maybe a whole 21 years old or others had the complete opposite, 60+ year olds.

On this night I wasn’t particularly in the mood to go out. But, unlike what my fore mentioned friend likes to do all too often, I did not bail on her. We got to the pub a little late so it was already pretty packed and barely any seats available. We managed to find a couple stools at the end of the bar (not my preference) but close to the dance floor. However, this location was perfect because there’s nothing better then watching drunk people dance. This specific night I was grateful I had the dance crowd to keep myself entertained. My friend had gone MIA. Was off on her merry way dancing with some guy who finally got up enough liquid courage to saunter over and ask her to dance. Yea, don’t think I didn’t notice. I’m kinda like a hawk when it comes to people watching. I can usually figure out who’s fighting with who, who’s eyeing someone, who shouldn’t be eyeing someone and who gets caught by their significant other eyeing someone. Oh yea. I rock at that shit. I can read relationship dynamics just by peoples body language, mannerisms and actions. Don’t even have to be in ear’s distance to hear what they’re saying and I know what’s going on. That alone could’ve kept me quite content all night long. Well that and the various hopeful suitors who would come and ask me to dance, to which I politely declined. I know, I know!  What a big party pooper. Whatever. I just wasn’t feeling it that particular night. Trust me, this girl has no problem shaking her boot-ay when the mood strikes my fancy. Yea, I still got it.

I just wasn’t into it. That is until Wayne made his way over to me. ‘You know what they say about sitting at the edge of the bar?’ he says to me out of the blue. Hmmmm? I glance over and decide, okay, he’s attractive and his aura isn’t that of being a dick so, alright, I’ll bite. ‘I don’t know. What do they say?’ I coyly respond. He smiles and extends his hand and introduces himself. ‘What? You don’t know what it means when someone sits at the edge of the bar?’ Ahhh, no I don’t. I’ve been hibrinating for the past 20 years I silently think to myself. Any new dating rules that have occurred during the past 20 years, well, I’m totally not up to date to say the least. He proceeds to tell me it’s code for letting others know you are available. Oh, well then, I’ve picked the right spot haven’t I? I still don’t even know if that’s true. I’m so gullible at times. Anyone know if that’s true or not? Please share!

So right off the bat I got a good feeling about him. No alter ego at play, no cheesy stories, no feelings that this guy was a big time player. So, I allowed him to continue conversation with me. When I’m not interested I tend to be short with conversation. Maybe even a little rude I’ve been told, but I don’t see the point in making small talk when there is zero interest. Wayne was very witty and humorous. I like that alot. The live band that was playing went on their 2nd intermission and the DJ started his show with a dance mix of the biggest hit song of that summer, Justin Timberlake’s Sexy Back. Well the crowd piled onto the dance floor and everyone was totally into the party mode by this point.  Wayne takes my hand and leads me onto the dance floor. It’s weird that I even remember the exact song, because I barely even remember the band that night. Isn’t it strange when our brain just remembers certain details and specific facts? Now even after 5 years, every single time I hear that song, I think about Wayne, and that night. Music is like the sound track to our lives. A specific song can bring you right back in time instantly. Music and fragrance do the same for me. I can remember every single perfume I used to wear at different times in life. Who I was with, what was going on, specific feelings. Good and bad. Some songs I can’t even bare to listen to and some perfumes I refuse to wear. Some really great songs and fragrances have completely been ruined for me. Damn them jerks!

Song after song, we continued on the dance floor dancing, having the best time. As the night was coming to an end my girlfriend, aka lame-o wing woman, finally made her way over to me. Ahhh, how very sweet of you to remember me, I’m thinking. We make introductions to each others uh, new…’guys’ and make some small talk. ‘Do you guys want to come over for a few drinks? Some friends are all coming back to my place.’ Wayne says. Extending the invitation to my girlfriend and her new friend…guy…friend. I was actually into the invitation, especially being in a group setting, why not? Continue the laughs and good times. Until my girlfriend excuses us and grabs my arm, basically pulls me aside and says we shouldn’t go. Ah, what? Why the hell not? I haven’t been to a party, well, other then my kids birthday parties in literally aeons. And we all know that’s the truth. That night I was feeling flirty and 21 29 again! Up for some fun. My girlfriend continued telling me all of the reasons why we shouldn’t go. We don’t know them, never been to his house, what if they’re psychos? All very valid, but really? That’s why women have instinct, and mine was saying Wayne was totally fine. Her’s must’ve been telling her something different because she just wasn’t into his invite at all.  So of course, being the good friend I am, I obliged and told Wayne I unfortunately had to decline tonight but he had my number and could use it.

Turns out my girlfriend really wasn’t into her ‘friend/guy/one night only dance partner’ hence why the desperate attempt to keep us from further hanging out with them. Interesting how she vanishes to appease herself and dance the night away when it’s to her benefit. Ironic there’s no reciprocation for me when the situation arises? Pffft. Isn’t there some girlfriend being a good wing woman code of ethics thing? I’m pretty sure there was one when I used to go out way, long ago…back in the day. Oh, what do I know. I’m 38 now, ancient.

In any event, Wayne and I went our separate ways that night. I was barely home when I received a text from him. He said how great it was meeting me and if he could call me this week so we could set up a date. Why yes, I am completely into that. In fact, I am looking forward to it.

Sounds pretty promising doesn’t it? Funny how things start so great and then as time carries on shit happens. Before you know it you’ve found yourself in love (or was it love? Jury’s still out on that one) and messed up with a man who’s life includes parties, excessive drinking, an eventual admittance to a cocaine problem, head games, jealousy, co-dependancy, and just plain effed up-ness. But I knew he loved me like crazy, and me being just out of a 20 year relationship, well, I had my own issues. I just added to that craziness. Yeah, it only got worse as we went along.

Hopefully as I write through these experiences with the jumbled up mess that’s crammed in my head, I will make some sort of sense of it all. It’s all about the journey and hopefully taking lessons away from them.

This chapter (the story of Wayne) has just begun.

Laura xo

Vancity Buzz Feature – Love At Ikea

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Laura recently wrote a piece for Vancity Buzz’s ‘Single In Vancouver (Worst Dating Stories)’ column, and her piece was featured on the site today!
Click here to read Laura’s story (Love At Ikea) on Vancity Buzz!

About Vancity Buzz:
Since 2008, Vancity Buzz has been engaging readers with content that highlights the culture, people and developments of our beautiful city of Vancouver. Our content is fresh, reliable and informative. Our aim is to keep Vancouverites connected to the city’s pulse.

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Attracting Mr. Right Online

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I have been on and off online dating sites since my divorce 6 years ago. The whole concept of dating sites has come a long way since then. Just 6 years ago the thought of signing onto a dating site was foreign and embarrassing. And now, well, I’m only slightly embarrassed.

I got quite a bit of slack from my mother and people in my life. Doesn’t matter how old I am, my mother still talks to me sometimes like I’m 16.  ‘Oh my god Laura, why are you on some lame dating site? You don’t need that!’

Well, apparently I do. How else am I going to meet anyone new? I’ve been set up by family and friends and there’s no one left who is single in my little social circle in this big ol’ world. That’s right, online dating sites. That’s all I have left. That and the possibility of meeting Mr. Right in the grocery store, Chapter’s, Home Depot or possibly in the dog park. But I’m here to say, those suggestions are not working so far. I’m keeping my options open.

I have gone through many stages and opinions regarding online dating. I have constantly changed the way I set up my profile, the types of photos I post, information I share or don’t share about myself. It is critical how you set that shit up. This is portraying you and your personality. This information ultimately determines what type of guy will be attracted to your profile and contact you. You have to keep in mind what kind of guy you’re interested in attracting dependent on the information you share.

I’ve gone from writing way too much information, lots of photos and setting my potential date requirements relatively low to moderate. Then to the opposite extreme, minimal personal information, one head shot and my date requirements set to very high. I’m still unsure what works best.

I just go with the motto, stay true to yourself and what you’re searching for. Be real and be honest.

I’m so tired of people saying I’m being way too picky, he was such a nice guy. Well, I’m a real nice girl. Hell, I’m a damn awesome girl. Don’t I deserve an awesome guy? Shouldn’t I be with someone just as awesome?

Why does it seem there’s this double standard when it comes to dating and meeting one’s potential partner?

As women we’re supposed to be successful, independent, beautiful, intelligent yet settle for the guy who is so nice? I say hell no.

Not this girl. Not ever. I respect myself way too much to settle. And so should all of you single ladies out there.

At one point I had succumb to the overwhelming pressure that I was being way too picky, letting all of the good ones get away, having too high of standards (pffft, is there such a thing?) and not giving the ‘good’ guys out there a chance. So I decided to meet guys that I wasn’t particularly physically attracted to but had personalities and a sense of humour that interested me. I gave it the good ole’ college try. I really did. Sometimes even going on a 2nd date just in an effort to get to know them just a bit more in hopes that I would feel that somethin’ somethin. Nothin. Didn’t work. Now I’m not saying that method never ever works. I’m sure sometimes a person can become more attractive with time because he has that incredible personality. I’m sure it happens. Just hasn’t for me in the way I need it to. That’s just me.

I want to be physically and mentally attracted at the same time for the same guy. I want to miss them like crazy when we’re apart. I want to crave to be with them again. I want to look at him and feel that insatiable feeling of lust and love. If he isn’t doing it for you then you’re just not that into him and that’s okay ladies. Keep trying. Nothing gained, nothing lost right?

Now all of you single ladies, think about what information you’re sharing online and just what kind of man you’re hoping to attract. And please, please ladies for the love of god, do not post any selfie kissie lips pics. They are never gonna look cute or hot. Honest. 

Til next time all of you beautiful single ladies, stay strong and be true to yourself.

Laura xo