Love At A Pub

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Let’s go back in time. Not necessarily a better time, just another time of days gone by in my dating journey. Let’s talk about ‘Wayne’. Not his real name. Obviously.

Wayne, Wayne, Wayne. Sigh. Where shall I begin? At the beginning? Yes. Alrighty then. Let’s do that shall we?

I’ve made mention of him on a previous post which you can see here. He was the first guy I actually had a relationship with after my marriage. I had plenty of meet and greets and dates with other men before him. But Wayne was the first guy that I ended up being in an exclusive long term relationship with. Not just once but twice. Yes, two different times during 6 years. First time we dated for a couple of years (on and off-should’ve been off) and the second time for a year. Apparently I never learnt any lessons the first time. Our relationship the first time around consisted of excessive partying, too much alcohol (way too often) and the eventual admittance of cocaine use on his part. No, I’m not perfect either. Looking back I was just a tad bit, shall we say, desperate?  Let’s not forget needy and clingy. Sounds like a perfect match doesn’t it? A real dream team.

I was out with my only single girlfriend at the time. She took me to a pub she had previously been to and she thought I’d like it and feel comfortable there. I did really enjoy it. We had been out numerous times before and I immediately noticed a problem. We found it rather tricky finding an establishment for our age group. At that time we were both in our late 30’s. I might as well of been in my late 90’s because that’s how old I felt. Completely out of place being single after spending 20 years being part of a duo.  I was so inexperienced, so green. I’m sure it was mostly in my head but it didn’t help matters when some places had patrons that were maybe a whole 21 years old or others had the complete opposite, 60+ year olds.

On this night I wasn’t particularly in the mood to go out. But, unlike what my fore mentioned friend likes to do all too often, I did not bail on her. We got to the pub a little late so it was already pretty packed and barely any seats available. We managed to find a couple stools at the end of the bar (not my preference) but close to the dance floor. However, this location was perfect because there’s nothing better then watching drunk people dance. This specific night I was grateful I had the dance crowd to keep myself entertained. My friend had gone MIA. Was off on her merry way dancing with some guy who finally got up enough liquid courage to saunter over and ask her to dance. Yea, don’t think I didn’t notice. I’m kinda like a hawk when it comes to people watching. I can usually figure out who’s fighting with who, who’s eyeing someone, who shouldn’t be eyeing someone and who gets caught by their significant other eyeing someone. Oh yea. I rock at that shit. I can read relationship dynamics just by peoples body language, mannerisms and actions. Don’t even have to be in ear’s distance to hear what they’re saying and I know what’s going on. That alone could’ve kept me quite content all night long. Well that and the various hopeful suitors who would come and ask me to dance, to which I politely declined. I know, I know!  What a big party pooper. Whatever. I just wasn’t feeling it that particular night. Trust me, this girl has no problem shaking her boot-ay when the mood strikes my fancy. Yea, I still got it.

I just wasn’t into it. That is until Wayne made his way over to me. ‘You know what they say about sitting at the edge of the bar?’ he says to me out of the blue. Hmmmm? I glance over and decide, okay, he’s attractive and his aura isn’t that of being a dick so, alright, I’ll bite. ‘I don’t know. What do they say?’ I coyly respond. He smiles and extends his hand and introduces himself. ‘What? You don’t know what it means when someone sits at the edge of the bar?’ Ahhh, no I don’t. I’ve been hibrinating for the past 20 years I silently think to myself. Any new dating rules that have occurred during the past 20 years, well, I’m totally not up to date to say the least. He proceeds to tell me it’s code for letting others know you are available. Oh, well then, I’ve picked the right spot haven’t I? I still don’t even know if that’s true. I’m so gullible at times. Anyone know if that’s true or not? Please share!

So right off the bat I got a good feeling about him. No alter ego at play, no cheesy stories, no feelings that this guy was a big time player. So, I allowed him to continue conversation with me. When I’m not interested I tend to be short with conversation. Maybe even a little rude I’ve been told, but I don’t see the point in making small talk when there is zero interest. Wayne was very witty and humorous. I like that alot. The live band that was playing went on their 2nd intermission and the DJ started his show with a dance mix of the biggest hit song of that summer, Justin Timberlake’s Sexy Back. Well the crowd piled onto the dance floor and everyone was totally into the party mode by this point.  Wayne takes my hand and leads me onto the dance floor. It’s weird that I even remember the exact song, because I barely even remember the band that night. Isn’t it strange when our brain just remembers certain details and specific facts? Now even after 5 years, every single time I hear that song, I think about Wayne, and that night. Music is like the sound track to our lives. A specific song can bring you right back in time instantly. Music and fragrance do the same for me. I can remember every single perfume I used to wear at different times in life. Who I was with, what was going on, specific feelings. Good and bad. Some songs I can’t even bare to listen to and some perfumes I refuse to wear. Some really great songs and fragrances have completely been ruined for me. Damn them jerks!

Song after song, we continued on the dance floor dancing, having the best time. As the night was coming to an end my girlfriend, aka lame-o wing woman, finally made her way over to me. Ahhh, how very sweet of you to remember me, I’m thinking. We make introductions to each others uh, new…’guys’ and make some small talk. ‘Do you guys want to come over for a few drinks? Some friends are all coming back to my place.’ Wayne says. Extending the invitation to my girlfriend and her new friend…guy…friend. I was actually into the invitation, especially being in a group setting, why not? Continue the laughs and good times. Until my girlfriend excuses us and grabs my arm, basically pulls me aside and says we shouldn’t go. Ah, what? Why the hell not? I haven’t been to a party, well, other then my kids birthday parties in literally aeons. And we all know that’s the truth. That night I was feeling flirty and 21 29 again! Up for some fun. My girlfriend continued telling me all of the reasons why we shouldn’t go. We don’t know them, never been to his house, what if they’re psychos? All very valid, but really? That’s why women have instinct, and mine was saying Wayne was totally fine. Her’s must’ve been telling her something different because she just wasn’t into his invite at all.  So of course, being the good friend I am, I obliged and told Wayne I unfortunately had to decline tonight but he had my number and could use it.

Turns out my girlfriend really wasn’t into her ‘friend/guy/one night only dance partner’ hence why the desperate attempt to keep us from further hanging out with them. Interesting how she vanishes to appease herself and dance the night away when it’s to her benefit. Ironic there’s no reciprocation for me when the situation arises? Pffft. Isn’t there some girlfriend being a good wing woman code of ethics thing? I’m pretty sure there was one when I used to go out way, long ago…back in the day. Oh, what do I know. I’m 38 now, ancient.

In any event, Wayne and I went our separate ways that night. I was barely home when I received a text from him. He said how great it was meeting me and if he could call me this week so we could set up a date. Why yes, I am completely into that. In fact, I am looking forward to it.

Sounds pretty promising doesn’t it? Funny how things start so great and then as time carries on shit happens. Before you know it you’ve found yourself in love (or was it love? Jury’s still out on that one) and messed up with a man who’s life includes parties, excessive drinking, an eventual admittance to a cocaine problem, head games, jealousy, co-dependancy, and just plain effed up-ness. But I knew he loved me like crazy, and me being just out of a 20 year relationship, well, I had my own issues. I just added to that craziness. Yeah, it only got worse as we went along.

Hopefully as I write through these experiences with the jumbled up mess that’s crammed in my head, I will make some sort of sense of it all. It’s all about the journey and hopefully taking lessons away from them.

This chapter (the story of Wayne) has just begun.

Laura xo

Vancity Buzz Feature – Love At Ikea

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Laura recently wrote a piece for Vancity Buzz’s ‘Single In Vancouver (Worst Dating Stories)’ column, and her piece was featured on the site today!
Click here to read Laura’s story (Love At Ikea) on Vancity Buzz!

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Attracting Mr. Right Online

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I have been on and off online dating sites since my divorce 6 years ago. The whole concept of dating sites has come a long way since then. Just 6 years ago the thought of signing onto a dating site was foreign and embarrassing. And now, well, I’m only slightly embarrassed.

I got quite a bit of slack from my mother and people in my life. Doesn’t matter how old I am, my mother still talks to me sometimes like I’m 16.  ‘Oh my god Laura, why are you on some lame dating site? You don’t need that!’

Well, apparently I do. How else am I going to meet anyone new? I’ve been set up by family and friends and there’s no one left who is single in my little social circle in this big ol’ world. That’s right, online dating sites. That’s all I have left. That and the possibility of meeting Mr. Right in the grocery store, Chapter’s, Home Depot or possibly in the dog park. But I’m here to say, those suggestions are not working so far. I’m keeping my options open.

I have gone through many stages and opinions regarding online dating. I have constantly changed the way I set up my profile, the types of photos I post, information I share or don’t share about myself. It is critical how you set that shit up. This is portraying you and your personality. This information ultimately determines what type of guy will be attracted to your profile and contact you. You have to keep in mind what kind of guy you’re interested in attracting dependent on the information you share.

I’ve gone from writing way too much information, lots of photos and setting my potential date requirements relatively low to moderate. Then to the opposite extreme, minimal personal information, one head shot and my date requirements set to very high. I’m still unsure what works best.

I just go with the motto, stay true to yourself and what you’re searching for. Be real and be honest.

I’m so tired of people saying I’m being way too picky, he was such a nice guy. Well, I’m a real nice girl. Hell, I’m a damn awesome girl. Don’t I deserve an awesome guy? Shouldn’t I be with someone just as awesome?

Why does it seem there’s this double standard when it comes to dating and meeting one’s potential partner?

As women we’re supposed to be successful, independent, beautiful, intelligent yet settle for the guy who is so nice? I say hell no.

Not this girl. Not ever. I respect myself way too much to settle. And so should all of you single ladies out there.

At one point I had succumb to the overwhelming pressure that I was being way too picky, letting all of the good ones get away, having too high of standards (pffft, is there such a thing?) and not giving the ‘good’ guys out there a chance. So I decided to meet guys that I wasn’t particularly physically attracted to but had personalities and a sense of humour that interested me. I gave it the good ole’ college try. I really did. Sometimes even going on a 2nd date just in an effort to get to know them just a bit more in hopes that I would feel that somethin’ somethin. Nothin. Didn’t work. Now I’m not saying that method never ever works. I’m sure sometimes a person can become more attractive with time because he has that incredible personality. I’m sure it happens. Just hasn’t for me in the way I need it to. That’s just me.

I want to be physically and mentally attracted at the same time for the same guy. I want to miss them like crazy when we’re apart. I want to crave to be with them again. I want to look at him and feel that insatiable feeling of lust and love. If he isn’t doing it for you then you’re just not that into him and that’s okay ladies. Keep trying. Nothing gained, nothing lost right?

Now all of you single ladies, think about what information you’re sharing online and just what kind of man you’re hoping to attract. And please, please ladies for the love of god, do not post any selfie kissie lips pics. They are never gonna look cute or hot. Honest. 

Til next time all of you beautiful single ladies, stay strong and be true to yourself.

Laura xo

“Acoustic Guitars Are Not Rock N Roll” Whattt?

I know all of you are dying to know. Did I renew my online dating subscription or didn’t I?
You must be losing sleep wondering what I ended up doing.
So not to keep you all in deep suspense any longer you should know that I did end up renewing my online dating subscription. Well, that’s not entirely true. I just didn’t cancel on time so it automatically renews. That system is either very efficient or sneaky, depends how you look at it.
I knew perfectly well that my account was up for renewal on August 22nd and the days leading up to it I would look at my messages with that subtle flutter of hope that something would surprise me. That there’s one message waiting for me… gonna change my life. I know, I’m being extreme. I’m tired, it’s been a long, stressful kind of day. Work was umm, interesting. But let me get back to my work thing in a minute.

I purposely let my online dating subscription renew with the justification, ya just never know what will happen. Having more options is always a good thing, so that’s what I’m going with for now. However, I have seen a huge transition in my whole outlook on dating since my divorce. I was discussing it over sushi with a girlfriend last week, she has already gone through that ‘dating transition’ after her divorce so she related completely which is so awesome to have that validation from someone who gets exactly what you’re talking about!
I think I might have given the impression on this blog that made it seem like I don’t get any messages on the dating site, that no one shows interest, or sends me winks and clicks the ‘they’re interested button’ when my profile pops up on their screen. That I go on zero dates, poor, poor me. I’m not that pathetic, yet.
I should clarify, I do get plenty of messages (just none that interest me, you ladies know what I’m talking about here), have been on more meet and greets and dates then I care to remember (mostly) and now I simply feel different about the whole process.
The thing is I am not trying to fill that ‘being a couple’ void anymore. I am more focused on me, myself, figuring out who I really am on my own. And guess what? I am content on doing exactly that. I’m pretty damn impressed with myself too. Oh hell yeah I am! It’s like my own personal achievement, some sort of self realization that I finally see. I’m a late bloomer, what can I say!
I do have to say that since my online profile was renewed yesterday, for some strange reason my email sorta blew up yesterday and today with an unusual amount of messages and winks (who doesn’t appreciate a wink right?) Hmmm, not sure what that means or why there’s so many? A sign of encouragement from the dating site gods, like way to not give up Laura! orkeep up the positive awesome attitude, good things are coming!’ Not too sure what it means. Probably nothing at all. I tend to make up fantasy reasons for things, love the mystery ya know?

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Let me finish by giving you the brief run down on my less then stellar, stressful day at work.
Let me just say that I was to have a big important meeting with a big important person, (aren’t they all so important?) Anyhow, busy busy busy with prepping and organizing and I pretty much felt totally confident with my overall presentation. Now long story short, I had a theme for this event and that was to represent rock and roll and a particular rock star. His picture was plastered everywhere and on my main display among many rock and roll themed items, I had displayed an actual guitar. My boss pulled me aside 15 minutes before the main ‘important’ person was to show and proceeded to tell me that the acoustic guitar was not rock and roll.

Ummm…what?!

She firmly argued her view, and even went on to say that acoustic guitars make her think of classical music, not rock n roll.
And she was completely, 100% dead serious. She drilled me for at least 15 minutes as to how I think the guitar fits into the theme. I have been to probably hundreds of music concerts and shows (plenty of rock and roll shows) and I’m pretty sure they use guitars of all sorts. Electric and acoustic. Heck violins are even used in some rock bands.

I was totally taken aback and frankly confused at the questioning. It didn’t make one bit of sense to me yet she was sitting there looking at me like I was not making one bit of sense to her.
I stood my ground and defended the good graces of all things rock and roll and said I disagree with you!
When it comes to certain things in life, a girl’s just gotta stand up for what she believes in.

ImageDave Grohl of Foo Fighters

Til next time,
Laura xo