Attracting Mr. Right Online

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I have been on and off online dating sites since my divorce 6 years ago. The whole concept of dating sites has come a long way since then. Just 6 years ago the thought of signing onto a dating site was foreign and embarrassing. And now, well, I’m only slightly embarrassed.

I got quite a bit of slack from my mother and people in my life. Doesn’t matter how old I am, my mother still talks to me sometimes like I’m 16.  ‘Oh my god Laura, why are you on some lame dating site? You don’t need that!’

Well, apparently I do. How else am I going to meet anyone new? I’ve been set up by family and friends and there’s no one left who is single in my little social circle in this big ol’ world. That’s right, online dating sites. That’s all I have left. That and the possibility of meeting Mr. Right in the grocery store, Chapter’s, Home Depot or possibly in the dog park. But I’m here to say, those suggestions are not working so far. I’m keeping my options open.

I have gone through many stages and opinions regarding online dating. I have constantly changed the way I set up my profile, the types of photos I post, information I share or don’t share about myself. It is critical how you set that shit up. This is portraying you and your personality. This information ultimately determines what type of guy will be attracted to your profile and contact you. You have to keep in mind what kind of guy you’re interested in attracting dependent on the information you share.

I’ve gone from writing way too much information, lots of photos and setting my potential date requirements relatively low to moderate. Then to the opposite extreme, minimal personal information, one head shot and my date requirements set to very high. I’m still unsure what works best.

I just go with the motto, stay true to yourself and what you’re searching for. Be real and be honest.

I’m so tired of people saying I’m being way too picky, he was such a nice guy. Well, I’m a real nice girl. Hell, I’m a damn awesome girl. Don’t I deserve an awesome guy? Shouldn’t I be with someone just as awesome?

Why does it seem there’s this double standard when it comes to dating and meeting one’s potential partner?

As women we’re supposed to be successful, independent, beautiful, intelligent yet settle for the guy who is so nice? I say hell no.

Not this girl. Not ever. I respect myself way too much to settle. And so should all of you single ladies out there.

At one point I had succumb to the overwhelming pressure that I was being way too picky, letting all of the good ones get away, having too high of standards (pffft, is there such a thing?) and not giving the ‘good’ guys out there a chance. So I decided to meet guys that I wasn’t particularly physically attracted to but had personalities and a sense of humour that interested me. I gave it the good ole’ college try. I really did. Sometimes even going on a 2nd date just in an effort to get to know them just a bit more in hopes that I would feel that somethin’ somethin. Nothin. Didn’t work. Now I’m not saying that method never ever works. I’m sure sometimes a person can become more attractive with time because he has that incredible personality. I’m sure it happens. Just hasn’t for me in the way I need it to. That’s just me.

I want to be physically and mentally attracted at the same time for the same guy. I want to miss them like crazy when we’re apart. I want to crave to be with them again. I want to look at him and feel that insatiable feeling of lust and love. If he isn’t doing it for you then you’re just not that into him and that’s okay ladies. Keep trying. Nothing gained, nothing lost right?

Now all of you single ladies, think about what information you’re sharing online and just what kind of man you’re hoping to attract. And please, please ladies for the love of god, do not post any selfie kissie lips pics. They are never gonna look cute or hot. Honest. 

Til next time all of you beautiful single ladies, stay strong and be true to yourself.

Laura xo

“Acoustic Guitars Are Not Rock N Roll” Whattt?

I know all of you are dying to know. Did I renew my online dating subscription or didn’t I?
You must be losing sleep wondering what I ended up doing.
So not to keep you all in deep suspense any longer you should know that I did end up renewing my online dating subscription. Well, that’s not entirely true. I just didn’t cancel on time so it automatically renews. That system is either very efficient or sneaky, depends how you look at it.
I knew perfectly well that my account was up for renewal on August 22nd and the days leading up to it I would look at my messages with that subtle flutter of hope that something would surprise me. That there’s one message waiting for me… gonna change my life. I know, I’m being extreme. I’m tired, it’s been a long, stressful kind of day. Work was umm, interesting. But let me get back to my work thing in a minute.

I purposely let my online dating subscription renew with the justification, ya just never know what will happen. Having more options is always a good thing, so that’s what I’m going with for now. However, I have seen a huge transition in my whole outlook on dating since my divorce. I was discussing it over sushi with a girlfriend last week, she has already gone through that ‘dating transition’ after her divorce so she related completely which is so awesome to have that validation from someone who gets exactly what you’re talking about!
I think I might have given the impression on this blog that made it seem like I don’t get any messages on the dating site, that no one shows interest, or sends me winks and clicks the ‘they’re interested button’ when my profile pops up on their screen. That I go on zero dates, poor, poor me. I’m not that pathetic, yet.
I should clarify, I do get plenty of messages (just none that interest me, you ladies know what I’m talking about here), have been on more meet and greets and dates then I care to remember (mostly) and now I simply feel different about the whole process.
The thing is I am not trying to fill that ‘being a couple’ void anymore. I am more focused on me, myself, figuring out who I really am on my own. And guess what? I am content on doing exactly that. I’m pretty damn impressed with myself too. Oh hell yeah I am! It’s like my own personal achievement, some sort of self realization that I finally see. I’m a late bloomer, what can I say!
I do have to say that since my online profile was renewed yesterday, for some strange reason my email sorta blew up yesterday and today with an unusual amount of messages and winks (who doesn’t appreciate a wink right?) Hmmm, not sure what that means or why there’s so many? A sign of encouragement from the dating site gods, like way to not give up Laura! orkeep up the positive awesome attitude, good things are coming!’ Not too sure what it means. Probably nothing at all. I tend to make up fantasy reasons for things, love the mystery ya know?

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Let me finish by giving you the brief run down on my less then stellar, stressful day at work.
Let me just say that I was to have a big important meeting with a big important person, (aren’t they all so important?) Anyhow, busy busy busy with prepping and organizing and I pretty much felt totally confident with my overall presentation. Now long story short, I had a theme for this event and that was to represent rock and roll and a particular rock star. His picture was plastered everywhere and on my main display among many rock and roll themed items, I had displayed an actual guitar. My boss pulled me aside 15 minutes before the main ‘important’ person was to show and proceeded to tell me that the acoustic guitar was not rock and roll.

Ummm…what?!

She firmly argued her view, and even went on to say that acoustic guitars make her think of classical music, not rock n roll.
And she was completely, 100% dead serious. She drilled me for at least 15 minutes as to how I think the guitar fits into the theme. I have been to probably hundreds of music concerts and shows (plenty of rock and roll shows) and I’m pretty sure they use guitars of all sorts. Electric and acoustic. Heck violins are even used in some rock bands.

I was totally taken aback and frankly confused at the questioning. It didn’t make one bit of sense to me yet she was sitting there looking at me like I was not making one bit of sense to her.
I stood my ground and defended the good graces of all things rock and roll and said I disagree with you!
When it comes to certain things in life, a girl’s just gotta stand up for what she believes in.

ImageDave Grohl of Foo Fighters

Til next time,
Laura xo

Dating: Shall I Go On?

Most of my written posts have been about dating. Okay, all of them have been about dating. Dating and baking. That’s what this blog has primarily consisted of thus far. When we (my daughter and I) decided to create a blog our main content focus was originally going to include cosmetics, since we own enough to open our own makeup store. And music, namely local Vancouver indie, up and coming musicians.

Ironically we have very little of the intended material posted on our blog as of yet. (we are definitely going to work on it)
It appears that I bake… and I date. Not necessarily in that order.
What is funny is that I haven’t technically even been on a date-date in months now. However, I’m not concerned as I have loads of ‘material’ from past dating experiences to cover me until something new occurs. God knows I’ve been on enough meet and greets and first dates to last the rest of my life. Really, if I never have to go on another awkward first time meet and greet it would be too soon.
Lately, instead of going out on a Friday or Saturday night date, I find it way more interesting to sift through our old family recipes, jot down ideas and ingredients and spend the whole day/night baking up a storm while dancing and singing around the kitchen listening to music. Or my other latest favourite thing, simply crawling into bed, light some candles, cup of hot tea and a great book or interesting blogs and I’m one happy girl. Oh gosh that sounds very, very sad doesn’t it?

I used to go out as often as possible to meet someone from an online dating site with the attitude, you just never know this could be the one. But now, I will only go out and meet someone who I am completely smitten with and there’s at least more than a hint of potential. Otherwise, sorry, I’ve spent way too many hours in the past few years trying to make Mr Wrong fit into Mr Right. That shit just doesn’t work for me anymore. Im learning. Slowly.

I do still have a profile up on a dating site. A site that I have paid 3 months for. It expires at the end of this month. I have not yet decided if I am going to renew my membership or not. I rarely even go on to check messages anymore, it always seems to be a let down. I used to check messages numerous times during the day, now I check maybe once a week or so.

One can’t help but have insecurites and wonder if you’re doing something wrong, portraying yourself in a certain way, good or bad, attracting the wrong guys for the wrong reasons…so many variables. You start to feel like it’s completely you, and that no one wants you. It has gotten to the point that it’s depressing to check messages. Yet I still have that glimmer of hope that maybe I’ll open my mailbox and there will be that one special message waiting for me. From my one and only, my Mr Right. You know? Like the movie, You’ve Got Mail.
A girl can dream.

You've got mail meg and laptop
Sharing and talking about dating experiences with numerous other single women gives me some sort of comfort and hope. We all have our challenges when it comes to dating regardless of age. I still have to force negative thoughts aside when I start to think I’m way too old to date, I’ll never find anyone and maybe I should just give up. It’s difficult not to think that when I come across a very attractive profile picture of a 40 year old man (perfect age range for me) on a dating site, then upon closer inspection realize he has his potential date age requirement set at 20-35 years of age. Okay, really? You will only date someone that is more than 5+ years younger than yourself? That in itself speaks volumes.

So for now I will have to decide whether to renew my dating profile or not. Until then I have way more pressing matters to attend to. Should I bake the Double Layer Chocolate Cake next or an old family favourite Walnut Coconut Slice?
So many decisions.

Til next time,
Laura xo

Play on Playa! Part 1.

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On Sunday I ended up getting a text from (let’s call him Ray). He was one of the first guys I met after my divorce and we’ve been in and out of touch for the past 6 years.

Let me give you a little background on ‘Ray’… I met Ray online (surprise, surprise) approximately 8 months after my separation/divorce.
Now, Ray is 10 years younger then me. (Gasp!) Or maybe he is 11 years younger. I can’t be too sure because back then (6 years ago) I always told people, more specifically, potential dates, that I was one or two years younger then I actually was. So at this point I can’t even remember what age I told him I was. I was 38 then, had been with my husband since I was 18 years old. That’s 20 years! After we separated I felt like I was incredibly old, like dinosaur old. Awkward and inexperienced at dating. So to make myself feel better I gave myself a couple of years lead way. Like a present to myself. I deserved it, I earned that right to adjust my age as far as I was concerned. It doesn’t matter.
Anyways, point is, Ray was younger, very attractive, funny, smart, never married, no kids, doesn’t want kids (perfect because I don’t/can’t either), tattooed, great job, ambitious, owned his own home and truck (pretty hard to find a guy who does at that age). He contacted me on a popular dating site and we began to correspond regularly. At first I wasn’t even going to meet him, strictly because of the age difference. But he was very persistent and pointed out all of the reasons why I should meet him and give him a chance. Literally, he sent me a list of numbered reasons why I should give him a chance. Impressive. Who could resist? I finally agreed and we met for a drink.

We met at a local pub and instantly there was chemistry between us. After our first drink he tells me he’ll pay for the first drink but go dutch on the rest. Is this the current dating standard I wonder? Okay, I say while thinking what the hell? But mulling it over silently in my mind I realized that seems pretty fair. I figured why should he pay when It was only our first meeting. It wasn’t an official date-date, after all. That and because I knew I was only having one drink, that’s my limit on a first meeting/date so it really wasn’t a huge issue for me. My rules. (and I’m allowed to break them too, only when I see fit… that’s the beauty of making your own rules!)
Hell, I didn’t even know the so called ‘rules of dating’. I made them up as I went along. So out of the loop. Regardless, I decided not to make any harsh assumptions or formed opinions about him. Yet. I made a mental note to self to confirm with friends immediately on what’s the appropriate protocol on these types of online first meetings/dates. Does he pay, you pay, we both pay? Do we discuss these details or wait for that awkward situation when it’s time to pay and I do the whole reaching into my purse to find my wallet and be like, “I’ll pay for mine, don’t worry.”
I’d have to get to the bottom of this asap and find out the 101 on dating etiquette.
Which reminds me, I went through a faze where I would insist on paying, for myself and whom ever I was out with. I would quickly pull out my wallet, snag the waitress and hand her my credit card, or pay when he was in the washroom. I felt like I needed to be this independent woman and not have a man pay for me. I didn’t want to feel like I owed anyone anything. I have issues, it’s true. I’m sure there’s some underlying deep explanation as to why I felt that way (and still do to some extent) but that’s a whole other blog post (or more).

Back then I was totally clueless and new to dating. When I look back now I can clearly see what kind of dumb ass moves I made. Hindsight is 20/20.
Having been in a marriage for so many years I was used to being part of a duo, a couple, a pair. Solo I seemed lost and probably clingy to these new men who came into my life. I seemed to be constantly looking for a man to fill that huge void I was carrying around. Meanwhile, at the time I thought I was playing it cool but I was most likely giving off the ‘marry me asap’ vibe which probably had some guys pretty damn nervous and running in the opposite direction.

Ray and I went on many dates, hung out a lot, went to concerts, watched movies and tuned into Dancing With The Stars weekly. Don’t judge, we loved that show back then. We had lots of fun together and enjoyed eachothers company. This went on for numerous months sparatically.
We had the kind of relationship that really seemed like a good friendship. We never talked about dating or not dating anyone else, we never assumed anything about each other or where either of us stood. Maybe in the back of my mind our age difference kept my feelings at bay. Were we exclusive or not? It never came up. It was more like an unspoken understanding between us that I guess I actually never really understood. I mean, I am a woman after all and even though I realized we weren’t exactly at the serious exclusive stage, of course the thoughts of maybe, what if, what would it be like and where is this thing we got going on….going?

After awhile he stopped calling as much and making plans as often. More and more time would pass between seeing each other. It kinda hurt my feelings (and ego) but I decided he definitely wasn’t worth it. Yeah, that’s what I kept telling myself to make myself feel somewhat better. Rejection is never fun.

I ended up meeting someone else (lets call him Wayne) at a pub, not online. The old fashioned way. Shocking. We danced and danced the night away to a live band who played dj music during their breaks… our first dance was to ‘Sexy Back’ by Justin Timberlake. Biggest song of the summer which is why I remember it. Oddly enough weird facts like that take up space in my brain. Not sure why.

Anyways, Its a good thing Wayne approached me because my girl friend (aka wing girl) that night had pretty much abandoned me. She was off on her merry way dancing and flirting with the guy who was standing at the end of the bar giving her the flirty eye for 2 hours before he got up enough liquid courage and finally found his way over and asked her to dance. Really? uggghhh.
She never was a good wing woman and she most definitely didn’t know the cardinal rules of being a wing woman.

A few days later I end up finding out through a mutual friend that Ray was seen with a very sexy brunette. Say what? My friend can’t believe my reaction is not of complete shock, hurt and despair. Ironically I am thinking how can I possibly be questioning him when I spent the previous night dancing up a storm and getting a wee bit cozy with Wayne. So in that case Mr. Ray, Play on Playa.