Oh No He Didn’t! (Chapter of Wayne – Part 2)

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As promised after our first meeting at the pub that night, Wayne did call me and we planned a date. We set up a time and place and decided on sushi and a movie. Don’t even ask me what movie we went to see, I can’t remember. Doesn’t matter. However, what I do clearly remember is I definitely was no where near being ready to jump into dating, let alone a relationship. Now looking back, in hindsight, I had issues and needed time. Last thing I should’ve did was date, anyone. I should’ve believed when people said it takes time after divorce and dating complicates matters.  I definitely wasn’t over my ex husband (of 20 years) by a long shot. Even though I swore I was. Hmmmm… let’s call my ex husband, Damian. Yes, Damian. It’s a very ‘Harlequin Romance‘ kinda name don’t ya think?  It’s my story, I can assign whatever name I choose. Anyways,  if you asked me at the time I’d say ‘hell ya I’m over him!’  But hell no I wasn’t! I admit it. Apparently for every 5 years you are with someone, it takes approximately 1 year to ‘get over‘ them. So I was with Damian for 20 years… well, that’s 5 LONG fricking years of waiting to get over him! I ain’t got time for that!
Of course I wasn’t over my ex husband. Hell, I’m not sure I’ll ever be completely over him

So, almost a year after separating from my husband and having gone on numerous online dating meet and greets, I naively jump in and start dating Wayne. Immediately I’m comparing every little thing Wayne does to that of my ex husband. I mean everything. The way he speaks to the server (very telling you know?)  the way he eats his food, how many drinks he consumed in such a short time frame (don’t think I didn’t notice), the way he puts way too much sushi in his mouth at once. (Hello!)
All of these teenie tiny signs combined equals one great, big Red Flag.
My girlfriends at the time would say I constantly compare, compare, compare. They’re all like, ‘You’re not being fair to Wayne. Stop comparing, everyone’s different.’ On and on. I was just simply pointing out that Damian did things a certain way. And ehm, well, Wayne doesn’t. That’s all.

I clearly remember sitting across from Wayne at the sushi restaurant and thinking, I’m not completely attracted to him in that way. I mean, he was attractive yes, but something wasn’t quite right. I remember on our first date being uncomfortable when dinner was over and the waitress brought the bill. He kinda just continued letting it sit there, between us. It got very uncomfortable. It felt like he was waiting for me to take care of it. Or maybe it was all in my mind. But no, I don’t think so. From previous posts you know I do have some issues with that. Completely out of touch with the times and rules of dating. Who pays? What’s the dating etiquette? I figure if you get asked out on a first date, the man should pay, no? Red flag #2 because ‘who pays’ later became an issue in our relationship.
An issue because guess who ended up always paying?
Yours truly.

Wayne and I had been dating for a couple of months. Like clock work, every Friday night you could guarantee a party at his place. Now this wasn’t a problem for me initially. Remember, I had been solely a wife and mother for the past 20 years, so it almost seemed like I was making up for lost party time in a sense. I was with my ex husband since I was 18 so I missed the whole partying and going out stage. Wayne and I had so much fun. I have since realized that we had the most fun when we were drinking.  It’s not like we didn’t have fun ever without alcohol, but let’s just say we had more fun with alcohol. And for me, 2 glasses of red wine is all it takes.

The alcohol was a good thing and a bad thing. Good in that when both of us were intoxicated, we let many potential spats slip by. Bad because the ones that didn’t slip by were ridiculous and typically made no sense what so ever. Obviously the communication between two intoxicated people can sometimes get construed and not make any bloody sense. We would then proceed to beat that particular subject up to no avail.  That combined with my disagreeing/debating style (at the time) typically consisted of just shutting down and giving him the good ol’ silent treatment. I know how much men love that. You can imagine how well that worked out. I have to say that method was all I’d ever done in my marriage so that’s what I naturally turned to. Wayne couldn’t tolerate that at all and would insist we talk it out.  He would always say that I put up walls, and I swear to God if I heard him say one more time “Oh, there’s them walls you put up!” I’m pretty certain I was gonna lose my mind.
Looking back, I think know those walls were actually me not being completely into him. Thing is I was a confused mess, I liked him a lot, but I didn’t. I was particularily needy after being married and he wasn’t Damian. That was perfectly clear.

But some things I really liked about Wayne. He was the only guy I knew who actually wanted to dance with me, all of the time. Even when friends were around. He didn’t care. I loved that he would take my hand and lead me to the dance floor or to the middle of the living room and waltz with me. That was something I remember my parents doing plenty of times when my sister and I were growing up. They would dance and talk all night long, I loved that aspect of their marriage. I told Wayne that too. He knew how special that was to me. Those kinds of moments are so simple yet last forever in your memories. 

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There was always something that felt off with my feelings towards Wayne. Like when we would be out at friends homes, a pub, or anywhere around other people and alcohol, I would become uptight and nervous. I would be embarrassed at the things he would say, the unpredictability of what he might say. The way he would act after a number of beers. Almost confrontational with anyone he might be talking with. He was an up tight kind of guy, and I can be an uptight kind of girl. Not the greatest combo. But afterwards when we would go home and we were alone, it would all be okay.  It became obvious that he was less uptight when he was drinking and when no one else was around. I became more attracted to that guy. That’s the guy I liked best unfortunately. He’d be completely focused on me, treating me like a princess and I would forget all about any inappropriate behavior he had displayed earlier. This became a routine in our relationship. The times we were by ourselves it was different. It was better. So eventually without even realizing what I was doing I would make excuses for us to stay in, not have friends over.  Instead insisting we stay at home, alone.  He rarely disagreed. Instead we started sharing some amazing Friday nights at home alone. Clearly the makings of a very bad dysfunctional relationship. He loved to cook and was a fabulous cook, I’d sip red wine while assisting him. By assisting I mean watching. You know, keeping him company in the kitchen.
We would put the music on, have drinks, dance and talk all night long. All seemed good. That part of the relationship was the good part and was so different for me. It’s what I needed at the time and what I had lacked in my marriage.  It was what I kept hanging onto. That part was fun. Obviously not the components of a lasting relationship, but fun for the time being.

We were only seeing each other once a week, twice at most, and that would usually be Friday nights. Saturday nights he would play poker with the guys. Religiously. I didn’t mind at all except if for some reason or another we couldn’t see each other on the Friday night and he wouldn’t give up poker on Saturday night to spend it with me. You know what they say? He’s just not that into you! If he was, well, he surely would choose spending time with me over poker at least some of the time.  Well, I hadn’t read He’s Just Not That Into You yet so I was not getting it. Plus I was so damn needy then. Couldn’t stand being single, alone, lonely, always wanting to be with someone. Coincidentally he was that someone at that time.

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That was until one particular Saturday night while he was at poker and we were texting each other back and forth. I sensed something was off.  He finally tells me, via text, that his on again-off again ex girlfriend he dated before me wanted to get back together. Turns out the friends house he plays poker at was the ex girlfriend’s brother. Ahhh, perfect. She wanted to give it another try. Uhh… okay? Well, that’s very unexpected. I remember being completely shocked.  Not heart broken, just shocked. No one likes rejection.

He’s breaking up with me? pffft! Isn’t that ironic?

Laura xo

Attracting Mr. Right Online

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I have been on and off online dating sites since my divorce 6 years ago. The whole concept of dating sites has come a long way since then. Just 6 years ago the thought of signing onto a dating site was foreign and embarrassing. And now, well, I’m only slightly embarrassed.

I got quite a bit of slack from my mother and people in my life. Doesn’t matter how old I am, my mother still talks to me sometimes like I’m 16.  ‘Oh my god Laura, why are you on some lame dating site? You don’t need that!’

Well, apparently I do. How else am I going to meet anyone new? I’ve been set up by family and friends and there’s no one left who is single in my little social circle in this big ol’ world. That’s right, online dating sites. That’s all I have left. That and the possibility of meeting Mr. Right in the grocery store, Chapter’s, Home Depot or possibly in the dog park. But I’m here to say, those suggestions are not working so far. I’m keeping my options open.

I have gone through many stages and opinions regarding online dating. I have constantly changed the way I set up my profile, the types of photos I post, information I share or don’t share about myself. It is critical how you set that shit up. This is portraying you and your personality. This information ultimately determines what type of guy will be attracted to your profile and contact you. You have to keep in mind what kind of guy you’re interested in attracting dependent on the information you share.

I’ve gone from writing way too much information, lots of photos and setting my potential date requirements relatively low to moderate. Then to the opposite extreme, minimal personal information, one head shot and my date requirements set to very high. I’m still unsure what works best.

I just go with the motto, stay true to yourself and what you’re searching for. Be real and be honest.

I’m so tired of people saying I’m being way too picky, he was such a nice guy. Well, I’m a real nice girl. Hell, I’m a damn awesome girl. Don’t I deserve an awesome guy? Shouldn’t I be with someone just as awesome?

Why does it seem there’s this double standard when it comes to dating and meeting one’s potential partner?

As women we’re supposed to be successful, independent, beautiful, intelligent yet settle for the guy who is so nice? I say hell no.

Not this girl. Not ever. I respect myself way too much to settle. And so should all of you single ladies out there.

At one point I had succumb to the overwhelming pressure that I was being way too picky, letting all of the good ones get away, having too high of standards (pffft, is there such a thing?) and not giving the ‘good’ guys out there a chance. So I decided to meet guys that I wasn’t particularly physically attracted to but had personalities and a sense of humour that interested me. I gave it the good ole’ college try. I really did. Sometimes even going on a 2nd date just in an effort to get to know them just a bit more in hopes that I would feel that somethin’ somethin. Nothin. Didn’t work. Now I’m not saying that method never ever works. I’m sure sometimes a person can become more attractive with time because he has that incredible personality. I’m sure it happens. Just hasn’t for me in the way I need it to. That’s just me.

I want to be physically and mentally attracted at the same time for the same guy. I want to miss them like crazy when we’re apart. I want to crave to be with them again. I want to look at him and feel that insatiable feeling of lust and love. If he isn’t doing it for you then you’re just not that into him and that’s okay ladies. Keep trying. Nothing gained, nothing lost right?

Now all of you single ladies, think about what information you’re sharing online and just what kind of man you’re hoping to attract. And please, please ladies for the love of god, do not post any selfie kissie lips pics. They are never gonna look cute or hot. Honest. 

Til next time all of you beautiful single ladies, stay strong and be true to yourself.

Laura xo

30 Minute Love Affair

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I decided that perhaps writing about my dating experiences will somehow help me in some small way. Maybe instill some sort of clarity of what I am doing wrong, need to be doing or help me come to some sort of magical realization on how to meet that perfect guy just for me. Well, there has to be one perfect gem in the 3.5 billion men out there just for me. Right?

It’s like some sort of self discovery as I go along. No one is a true expert in the dating world, it’s like we’re all participating in one big experiment and sharing our outcomes.

Everyone has an opinion, even if not wanted. Frankly, I’m not asking anymore. But thanks anyways. I have now become an expert of sorts. In my own mind.

I have gone through various theories of dating (or lack thereof) during these past years. I have done the online dating sites more then I care to admit so whether my theories have become more cynical because of it, I’m not too sure. But I can say this… online experiences have given me plenty to talk about. (always gotta look at the positive, isn’t that what they say?)

When I first signed onto a dating site I was so cautious, timid and shy about it. When I did come across the rare guy whom I was interested in and we started to communicate, he would ask to meet after 2 messages and I would be all like, “oh my gosh, I need to know your whole life history before that happens silly!”

Yeah, that strategy really doesn’t work I have to warn you! When you finally do meet in person you now have nothing to talk about and it’s super awkward because you are face to face with a stranger first time meeting yet you know everything about them via typed messages.

Not ideal.

I would only meet guys I found attractive regardless of my mother and everyone else saying “Don’t be dating only the good looking model types, you’re being way too picky and letting all of the good ones slip by!”  Okay, firstly, I wasn’t dating only good looking model types. Puh-leease. I was dating guys I found attractive. Hardly model types. Secondly, what is wrong with choosing men who you find attractive? Is that so wrong?

Now, I should insert here that finding an attractive man who doesn’t act like he’s all attractive is a feat. There’s a big difference between being attractive and acting like he knows he’s attractive. You ladies know what I’m talkin about. Now that’s a challenge.

I remember being on a date with (let’s call him Frank), he was oh so handsome. He was the tall, dark handsome type they write about in romance novels. I thought I’d gone and hit the boyfriend, husband potential jack pot. That was until 40 minutes into meeting in person. This was in the beginning of my online dating days where I found out everything I felt was required before meeting face to face. I knew from his posted profile photos that he was very attractive. He was a professional volleyball player, university educated, well established business career, good family background, 2 siblings, never married but long term relationship that lasted 10 years. Check, check, and check. On paper, perfect. Pretty certain at this point I was probably going to marry this one.

When I walked up to meet him for the first time in the lounge of a high end hotel, he literally took my breath away. He said the same of me. Why thank you, I blush. So he’s a very sweet talker. Hmmmm. I’m silently thinking to myself, should we elope tonight or is that too soon?  Wow. Taller then I expected. Always a nice surprise, a bonus. Gorgeous teeth (dental hygiene is a concern for me. Can’t help it.)

Leads me to the table where he has been waiting at. Ahhh, arrives earlier then me, good sign and a bonus point for that. Bottle of red wine awaits. He remembers from our numerous online typed chats that red wine is my favourite. Beautiful. Definitely another point for that.

Pretty certain I’m already in love. Thanking my lucky stars.

It’s difficult not to get too overly excited or to start planning our wedding in my mind as I sit down at the table. I can picture it all now, the images are flashing through my mind. The dress I would wear, nothing extremely fancy as it’s a beach wedding and I don’t want to have anything too extravagant. It is my second wedding after all. ‘Frank’ standing there in front of me holding my hand, all handsome looking. Wind blowing my hair. No, maybe I should wear it up, off of my face. Yes, definitely up.

I’m kind of giddy with nervous excitement as we engage in normal conversation. Did you find the hotel okay? Parking? Normal conversation flowed between us.

But then it was like 30 minutes into it I found myself realizing there probably wasn’t going to be that elopement tonight or ever.

I started to sense he really liked himself a lot more then he liked me. I told myself not to be so hasty or make assumptions about him. Perhaps he’s trying to impress me by telling me how great he is? That’s gotta be it. Oh, his eyes are so blue. I keep getting distracted by his beauty and I can’t concentrate on his constant stories of just how awesome he is.

Then for some reason I suddenly just see past his handsome-ness and can’t stand to listen to his voice any longer.

I agree to have some dinner. I did drive 30 minutes to get here after all and I’m a polite lady. That and I’m a sucker for giving people the benefit of the doubt. I’m hoping he surprises me and is just trying to impress me. He continues to talk about himself and all of his greatness and achievements. He hasn’t asked me anything about myself other then if I would be interested in possibly posing for some photos for him and his new business venture that involved beauty and health products. I’ll have to find out more about it I tell him, but I’m pretty positive at this point I’m never going to see him again after tonight.

His attractiveness disappeared right infront of my eyes like magic. I’ve never experienced that before. One extreme to the next within an hour!

Finding the whole package is like finding a rare gem. I’m searching for that special guy who has it all. Handsome (to me), an amazing personality, great sense of humour, smart and someone who I have chemistry with. That’s the key. Chemistry.

I know good looks is not everything and it’s all relative, but I still believe you have to be attracted to your partner. Obviously looks alone isn’t going to work. It’s the whole package that makes chemistry.

‘Frank’ is a very nice guy and is perfect for someone else out there. Just not for me.

I guess I have time to make those beach wedding plans after all.

Til next time all of you beautiful single ladies,
Laura xo

Dating: Shall I Go On?

Most of my written posts have been about dating. Okay, all of them have been about dating. Dating and baking. That’s what this blog has primarily consisted of thus far. When we (my daughter and I) decided to create a blog our main content focus was originally going to include cosmetics, since we own enough to open our own makeup store. And music, namely local Vancouver indie, up and coming musicians.

Ironically we have very little of the intended material posted on our blog as of yet. (we are definitely going to work on it)
It appears that I bake… and I date. Not necessarily in that order.
What is funny is that I haven’t technically even been on a date-date in months now. However, I’m not concerned as I have loads of ‘material’ from past dating experiences to cover me until something new occurs. God knows I’ve been on enough meet and greets and first dates to last the rest of my life. Really, if I never have to go on another awkward first time meet and greet it would be too soon.
Lately, instead of going out on a Friday or Saturday night date, I find it way more interesting to sift through our old family recipes, jot down ideas and ingredients and spend the whole day/night baking up a storm while dancing and singing around the kitchen listening to music. Or my other latest favourite thing, simply crawling into bed, light some candles, cup of hot tea and a great book or interesting blogs and I’m one happy girl. Oh gosh that sounds very, very sad doesn’t it?

I used to go out as often as possible to meet someone from an online dating site with the attitude, you just never know this could be the one. But now, I will only go out and meet someone who I am completely smitten with and there’s at least more than a hint of potential. Otherwise, sorry, I’ve spent way too many hours in the past few years trying to make Mr Wrong fit into Mr Right. That shit just doesn’t work for me anymore. Im learning. Slowly.

I do still have a profile up on a dating site. A site that I have paid 3 months for. It expires at the end of this month. I have not yet decided if I am going to renew my membership or not. I rarely even go on to check messages anymore, it always seems to be a let down. I used to check messages numerous times during the day, now I check maybe once a week or so.

One can’t help but have insecurites and wonder if you’re doing something wrong, portraying yourself in a certain way, good or bad, attracting the wrong guys for the wrong reasons…so many variables. You start to feel like it’s completely you, and that no one wants you. It has gotten to the point that it’s depressing to check messages. Yet I still have that glimmer of hope that maybe I’ll open my mailbox and there will be that one special message waiting for me. From my one and only, my Mr Right. You know? Like the movie, You’ve Got Mail.
A girl can dream.

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Sharing and talking about dating experiences with numerous other single women gives me some sort of comfort and hope. We all have our challenges when it comes to dating regardless of age. I still have to force negative thoughts aside when I start to think I’m way too old to date, I’ll never find anyone and maybe I should just give up. It’s difficult not to think that when I come across a very attractive profile picture of a 40 year old man (perfect age range for me) on a dating site, then upon closer inspection realize he has his potential date age requirement set at 20-35 years of age. Okay, really? You will only date someone that is more than 5+ years younger than yourself? That in itself speaks volumes.

So for now I will have to decide whether to renew my dating profile or not. Until then I have way more pressing matters to attend to. Should I bake the Double Layer Chocolate Cake next or an old family favourite Walnut Coconut Slice?
So many decisions.

Til next time,
Laura xo