Love At A Pub

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Let’s go back in time. Not necessarily a better time, just another time of days gone by in my dating journey. Let’s talk about ‘Wayne’. Not his real name. Obviously.

Wayne, Wayne, Wayne. Sigh. Where shall I begin? At the beginning? Yes. Alrighty then. Let’s do that shall we?

I’ve made mention of him on a previous post which you can see here. He was the first guy I actually had a relationship with after my marriage. I had plenty of meet and greets and dates with other men before him. But Wayne was the first guy that I ended up being in an exclusive long term relationship with. Not just once but twice. Yes, two different times during 6 years. First time we dated for a couple of years (on and off-should’ve been off) and the second time for a year. Apparently I never learnt any lessons the first time. Our relationship the first time around consisted of excessive partying, too much alcohol (way too often) and the eventual admittance of cocaine use on his part. No, I’m not perfect either. Looking back I was just a tad bit, shall we say, desperate?  Let’s not forget needy and clingy. Sounds like a perfect match doesn’t it? A real dream team.

I was out with my only single girlfriend at the time. She took me to a pub she had previously been to and she thought I’d like it and feel comfortable there. I did really enjoy it. We had been out numerous times before and I immediately noticed a problem. We found it rather tricky finding an establishment for our age group. At that time we were both in our late 30’s. I might as well of been in my late 90’s because that’s how old I felt. Completely out of place being single after spending 20 years being part of a duo.  I was so inexperienced, so green. I’m sure it was mostly in my head but it didn’t help matters when some places had patrons that were maybe a whole 21 years old or others had the complete opposite, 60+ year olds.

On this night I wasn’t particularly in the mood to go out. But, unlike what my fore mentioned friend likes to do all too often, I did not bail on her. We got to the pub a little late so it was already pretty packed and barely any seats available. We managed to find a couple stools at the end of the bar (not my preference) but close to the dance floor. However, this location was perfect because there’s nothing better then watching drunk people dance. This specific night I was grateful I had the dance crowd to keep myself entertained. My friend had gone MIA. Was off on her merry way dancing with some guy who finally got up enough liquid courage to saunter over and ask her to dance. Yea, don’t think I didn’t notice. I’m kinda like a hawk when it comes to people watching. I can usually figure out who’s fighting with who, who’s eyeing someone, who shouldn’t be eyeing someone and who gets caught by their significant other eyeing someone. Oh yea. I rock at that shit. I can read relationship dynamics just by peoples body language, mannerisms and actions. Don’t even have to be in ear’s distance to hear what they’re saying and I know what’s going on. That alone could’ve kept me quite content all night long. Well that and the various hopeful suitors who would come and ask me to dance, to which I politely declined. I know, I know!  What a big party pooper. Whatever. I just wasn’t feeling it that particular night. Trust me, this girl has no problem shaking her boot-ay when the mood strikes my fancy. Yea, I still got it.

I just wasn’t into it. That is until Wayne made his way over to me. ‘You know what they say about sitting at the edge of the bar?’ he says to me out of the blue. Hmmmm? I glance over and decide, okay, he’s attractive and his aura isn’t that of being a dick so, alright, I’ll bite. ‘I don’t know. What do they say?’ I coyly respond. He smiles and extends his hand and introduces himself. ‘What? You don’t know what it means when someone sits at the edge of the bar?’ Ahhh, no I don’t. I’ve been hibrinating for the past 20 years I silently think to myself. Any new dating rules that have occurred during the past 20 years, well, I’m totally not up to date to say the least. He proceeds to tell me it’s code for letting others know you are available. Oh, well then, I’ve picked the right spot haven’t I? I still don’t even know if that’s true. I’m so gullible at times. Anyone know if that’s true or not? Please share!

So right off the bat I got a good feeling about him. No alter ego at play, no cheesy stories, no feelings that this guy was a big time player. So, I allowed him to continue conversation with me. When I’m not interested I tend to be short with conversation. Maybe even a little rude I’ve been told, but I don’t see the point in making small talk when there is zero interest. Wayne was very witty and humorous. I like that alot. The live band that was playing went on their 2nd intermission and the DJ started his show with a dance mix of the biggest hit song of that summer, Justin Timberlake’s Sexy Back. Well the crowd piled onto the dance floor and everyone was totally into the party mode by this point.  Wayne takes my hand and leads me onto the dance floor. It’s weird that I even remember the exact song, because I barely even remember the band that night. Isn’t it strange when our brain just remembers certain details and specific facts? Now even after 5 years, every single time I hear that song, I think about Wayne, and that night. Music is like the sound track to our lives. A specific song can bring you right back in time instantly. Music and fragrance do the same for me. I can remember every single perfume I used to wear at different times in life. Who I was with, what was going on, specific feelings. Good and bad. Some songs I can’t even bare to listen to and some perfumes I refuse to wear. Some really great songs and fragrances have completely been ruined for me. Damn them jerks!

Song after song, we continued on the dance floor dancing, having the best time. As the night was coming to an end my girlfriend, aka lame-o wing woman, finally made her way over to me. Ahhh, how very sweet of you to remember me, I’m thinking. We make introductions to each others uh, new…’guys’ and make some small talk. ‘Do you guys want to come over for a few drinks? Some friends are all coming back to my place.’ Wayne says. Extending the invitation to my girlfriend and her new friend…guy…friend. I was actually into the invitation, especially being in a group setting, why not? Continue the laughs and good times. Until my girlfriend excuses us and grabs my arm, basically pulls me aside and says we shouldn’t go. Ah, what? Why the hell not? I haven’t been to a party, well, other then my kids birthday parties in literally aeons. And we all know that’s the truth. That night I was feeling flirty and 21 29 again! Up for some fun. My girlfriend continued telling me all of the reasons why we shouldn’t go. We don’t know them, never been to his house, what if they’re psychos? All very valid, but really? That’s why women have instinct, and mine was saying Wayne was totally fine. Her’s must’ve been telling her something different because she just wasn’t into his invite at all.  So of course, being the good friend I am, I obliged and told Wayne I unfortunately had to decline tonight but he had my number and could use it.

Turns out my girlfriend really wasn’t into her ‘friend/guy/one night only dance partner’ hence why the desperate attempt to keep us from further hanging out with them. Interesting how she vanishes to appease herself and dance the night away when it’s to her benefit. Ironic there’s no reciprocation for me when the situation arises? Pffft. Isn’t there some girlfriend being a good wing woman code of ethics thing? I’m pretty sure there was one when I used to go out way, long ago…back in the day. Oh, what do I know. I’m 38 now, ancient.

In any event, Wayne and I went our separate ways that night. I was barely home when I received a text from him. He said how great it was meeting me and if he could call me this week so we could set up a date. Why yes, I am completely into that. In fact, I am looking forward to it.

Sounds pretty promising doesn’t it? Funny how things start so great and then as time carries on shit happens. Before you know it you’ve found yourself in love (or was it love? Jury’s still out on that one) and messed up with a man who’s life includes parties, excessive drinking, an eventual admittance to a cocaine problem, head games, jealousy, co-dependancy, and just plain effed up-ness. But I knew he loved me like crazy, and me being just out of a 20 year relationship, well, I had my own issues. I just added to that craziness. Yeah, it only got worse as we went along.

Hopefully as I write through these experiences with the jumbled up mess that’s crammed in my head, I will make some sort of sense of it all. It’s all about the journey and hopefully taking lessons away from them.

This chapter (the story of Wayne) has just begun.

Laura xo

Ghosts of Boyfriends Past

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I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I still have my profile up on a paid dating site. However, I have not actually been out on any dates in literally months.
I know what you’re thinking… why the hell not?

Well, I’ll tell you why not. I just haven’t come across anyone who I’ve really had complete interest in. Now don’t get me wrong, I have been asked plenty. Men still come a callin. That’s not the problem. I still got it. I think.

Problem is, I seem to have come to a place of having set some pretty high standards for any would be callers.
Potential dates. Future boyfriends. Possible husband. You get the picture.

For the past few months I have been going with the flow of these incredibly high standards I have created.  But now thinking it over, I have to tell ya, I am becoming slightly concerned with my own feelings regarding this whole new philosophy and my increasingly comfortable lack of interest or effort.

I mean, have I gone and set the potential mate/date standard bar so damn high that no one will ever realistically qualify? Have I just become so complacent and nonchalant about dating that I now prefer to sit back and let possible ‘awesome guys‘ slip through the intense high standard cracks I’ve built? (My mother seems to think so.)

Anyways, let me give you my answer to that.
Nope, I don’t think I have. Well, not completely anyways.
I tend to think that because I’ve had so much experience with dating trials and tribulations since my divorce, I have come to a place of just not wanting to deal with anymore bullshit. No more Mr. Wrongs of any sort. No more Mr. Maybe’s or Mr. What Ifs. Not even second chances and/or excuses for their short comings. No more wasting time. I can’t tell you how over all of that shit I am. Therefore, yes siree, my bar is set damn high now.

So now I have chosen to sit back and take the minimal effort approach of waiting until the absolute Mr Right (for me) strolls into town and makes himself known to me. Howdy cowboy.
In choosing this method I now have no choice but to do some rehashing of tales gone by.
Yes, by the lack of having any new dates to blog about I’m resorting to reminiscing and reliving all of my previous dating stories. But I’m opting to think of it as therapeutic journaling for myself (and for anyone else who is just trying to figure things out as well.)
I can’t be the only one out there trying to figure out this debacle of a dating world we’re living in. Can I?

Hellooo??? Anyone?

That’s where blogging comes in.
Basically, I’m going to share all (or many) of my past dating experiences since my divorce.
Perhaps, on paper (blog) I’ll be able to make some sense of these dating experiences which are now a complete jumbled up mess in my mind.
Possibly I’ll uncover any poor dating patterns I possess (fairly positive I may have just one or two) or I may discover I’m in need of some real deep therapeutic professional help. Let’s hope it’s not the latter.  Not that there’s anything wrong with professional therapy. I highly recommend it. I just know if it gets to that point, well, I could be there for so, so long. And for so many reasons.
I just don’t have the time for that.

So let me just start at the beginning. Well, (the after my separation/divorce…6 years ago beginning.)  My marriage and divorce stories will all be told in due time. I swear.

In an effort to get the history of guys/dates straight for you (and for me) I am going to write out a summary of sorts. Guest starring roles of men who have made more then one appearance in my life.
I have had plenty of ‘meet and greets’ in between my semi relationships/long term relationships that I won’t include on this list. I’ll save that for yet another list. That’s gonna be real fun!

Bare with me.

Okay, let’s start:

#1. The Hydro Guy (we’ll call him Enrique)

– 36 years old
– Total mutual chemistry, I mean total
– Met on a online dating site (at this point I’m still debating whether free or paid dating sites make any difference)
– Divorced father of 2 younger children, was married 10 years
– Really really good looking…I mean, really, good looking (albeit kinda short but whatever)

He eventually went running in the opposite direction after a couple of months of casual dating saying he knew he was the first guy I’ve dated after my divorce and knew he’d be my mandatory rebound guy. Although I disagreed then, he was probably right.
Such a pity. I really liked him.
Ironically a month ago his profile showed up on my ‘top matches’ of a dating site… hmmm, we’re both single again. How completely depressing.

#2. The Tradesman Guy (we’ll call him Mark)

– 38 years old
– Total mutual chemistry
– Met on a free online dating site
– Father of a young daughter, never married
– Light haired which I’m typically not into, but I found him oh so very nice
– Not sure he was completely over his baby’s mama yet

He was confusing in that he was totally into me, made it very obvious yet seemed hesitant to get too serious… I’m only guessing here, but it could have to do with the previous point.

#3. The Rock Star (we’ll call him Ross)

– 32yrs old
– Total mutual chemistry, like I think I’m in love at first look kind of chemistry
– Met on a free online dating site
– Father of a young daughter, never married

First night we met we closed down the coffee shop, sat outside on a park bench until the late hours of the summer night, said goodbye, than half an hour later he called and we both got in our cars and met each other half way at a local McDonalds, sat in the parking lot and talked for 3 more hours.
He asked me one day what I would do… follow my life long dream or stay for a possible true love?
I had to say goodbye and set him free while he toured the world.
You know the saying? Set him free, if he comes back he was meant to be. Or something like that.
Well, he never came back.
I could’ve fallen head over heels, I still smile when I think of him.

#4. The Semi-Retired Sales Guy (we’ll call him Kevin)

– 42yrs old
– Total mutual chemistry
– Met on a free online dating site
– Father of 2 older sons, was married for 12 years

He wined and dined me, always VIP at numerous restaurants and clubs.
Something always seemed a bit off, like he was with holding some top secret information from me.
I probably came on way too strong and my neediness at that time was pathetic. His feelings for me went from very hot to super cold seemingly over night. After a couple of months he disappeared. I became obsessive and my ‘previously cheated on PI instinct‘ kicked into overdrive and I finally tracked him down.
He acted like an a**hole and I acted like a crazy bitch.
Yeah, that ended badly.

#5. The Entertainment Guy (we’ll call him Shawn)

– 39yrs old
– Met on a free online dating site (yes, seems to be a pattern)
– Never married and no kids

Found out he was close friends with members of a very well known ‘bike club’ but not an actual member of this well known ‘bike club’. Made me kinda like him a little bit more.
Bad boy attraction. I’m so gullible hey?
Took me to a lot of concerts and shows, always VIP, made him even more attractive to me.
Liked to treat me well, I became too serious too soon, he got scared and ran after a few months.
Hmmm… am I detecting a pattern here?

#6. The Young Guy (Ray – I’ve made mention of him in previous posts)

– 26yrs old
– Total and complete mutual chemistry
– Met on a free online dating site

He keeps making appearances in my life to this day… literally, I got a text from him earlier this evening.
I still can’t put my finger on what we shared/share…when I figure it out I’ll let you know.
You can read more about our background – Play On Playa part 1 & 2.

#7. The Sales Guy (We’ll call him Wayne)

– 35 years old
– More chemistry on his part, I had equal chemistry for him when I had red wine (don’t judge)
– Met at a pub (now that’s different)
– Never married, no kids

Our story is a little more complicated and was one of my 2 longer relationships I’ve been in since my divorce.
We dated 2 separate times, first time was 6 years ago for 2yrs (on and off) and the second time was a year and a half ago for approximately a year.
Our first time around was a messed up affair involving his drinking and eventual admittance to heavy cocaine use mixed along with my dire clinginess/neediness/fear of being alone-ness.
Yeah, not a good mix-ness.
Ended badly with him being a cold hearted  a**hole, threatening to call the cops when I turned into a crazy bitch outside his door demanding the return of my precious bag of makeup. Okay, okay, looking back my reaction was just a wee bit over the top.
If that isn’t reason enough to never see someone ever again don’t ask me what the hell I was thinking actually getting back into a relationship with him again three years later!
Ummm… slightly desperate maybe?
Yep, round two. But I can explain in future posts. Really…I can!
Our second time around (2yrs ago) ended a year ago with me breaking his heart and then him refusing to speak one word to me since.

#8. The Unemployed (rich parents) Mama’s Boy (lets call him Ron)

– 34yrs old
– Met on a free online dating site
– Never married, no kids

I fell head over frickin heels for him, in a great big way.
He treated me like a princess, bought me gifts, now I’m the least materialistic person but it sure was a nice change being spoiled.
We had a 3 year relationship, on and off (mostly on but should’ve been off) with the last year of it being long distance.
Our love story turned into a tale of lies, hurt and deception on his part.
Funny enough he now lives across the country and I still get regular messages from him.
Regardless of the pain he caused I loved this guy to the moon… hmmm, anyone know of a good therapist?

Well I think that about covers it. Mostly.
Writing this list I remembered other guys I had went out with just a time or two. That I’ll save for yet another list. That will be oh so fun!

Til next time,
Laura xo